relapse

It's sad to say you're like a drug, and when your blood mixes with mine it's the best I've felt in my entire life. The longer I go, the worse I feel and I haven't had a fix in awhile. I don't know how to get past this. I don't know how to stop. The more of you I get the more damage is done, and when you're gone the damage doesn't stop. Do you even give a fuck? Did you ever? You've destroyed me completely and utterly. I'm useless now. I'm nothing. You've embedded your barbs into my veins as you force your addictive poison in. I've got no way out, there's only relapse and overdose.

Sleep is eluding me
all I want is a reason to continue to be
to exist more than simply
yet I can't come up with anything
to make life worth living
and I've got nothing worth giving

Every day the same nightmare for months. You relapse and we fight, and I hit you in the face repeatedly and it does nothing. It happened. All of it, the whole dream came true. You relapsed and I hit you in the face over and over, and just like the dream it did nothing. Now I don't know whether I'm awake and this is real or I'm still dreaming...

I'm so tired I can't think or sleep
and I'm so hungry I don't want to eat

If I still had a father
would I also have a God?
If I had had a mother
would I now have a God?
If I could remember more than suffering
would I have salvation?
If I had had a sister
would I now have hope?


------------------------------------------
I was alone.
I had no family.
Somehow we were all separate people
living separate lives
in the same house.
Together apart.

If walls could talk
they wouldn't
because we never did.

I was alone.
Existing inside my head.
Living within my mind.
A thing hollow with nothing inside.
It's just dark in there.
I couldn't make it go away.

I couldn't make them love each other.
I couldn't make her be my mother.
I wonder what he saw when he looked in the mirror.
If he had looked at me he might have seen himself.
I looked just like him.

I tried to hang myself when I was seven.
I told myself I wouldn't do that again.

I didn't know why my sister hated me.
She used to hurt me.
I was scared all the time.
She was six years older.
That's a lot.



They cheated
They lied
She wanted a divorce
He overdosed
I was ten
She found someone else
He tried to kill her
She smoked crack
We lost the house
I moved away
My aunt said she was scared of me
She kicked me out
I was thrown away
She still smoked crack
We lived in a motel
We moved again
I dropped out
Six years of meds
It never helped