Unfinished thoughts

If I still had a father
would I also have a God?
If I had had a mother
would I now have a God?
If I could remember more than suffering
would I have salvation?
If I had had a sister
would I now have hope?


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I was alone.
I had no family.
Somehow we were all separate people
living separate lives
in the same house.
Together apart.

If walls could talk
they wouldn't
because we never did.

I was alone.
Existing inside my head.
Living within my mind.
A thing hollow with nothing inside.
It's just dark in there.
I couldn't make it go away.

I couldn't make them love each other.
I couldn't make her be my mother.
I wonder what he saw when he looked in the mirror.
If he had looked at me he might have seen himself.
I looked just like him.

I tried to hang myself when I was seven.
I told myself I wouldn't do that again.

I didn't know why my sister hated me.
She used to hurt me.
I was scared all the time.
She was six years older.
That's a lot.



They cheated
They lied
She wanted a divorce
He overdosed
I was ten
She found someone else
He tried to kill her
She smoked crack
We lost the house
I moved away
My aunt said she was scared of me
She kicked me out
I was thrown away
She still smoked crack
We lived in a motel
We moved again
I dropped out
Six years of meds
It never helped