January 13, 2013

I miss you, Dad.

Silently falling apart, my world is crushed. Rocking back and forth on my heels shaking my head with strangled gasps. It doesn't get easier with the years. Why did you do this to me? If things could be different I'd take your place. One fatal measurement and I'm here alone. Set flame to the drug to bring life to the needle, take life from the man who gave life to me. With you I could have been everything, without you I wait for the end. The calm comfort of the darkness to swallow my vision.
Some of us make bad choices, some of us get lucky. Some of us turn our lives around. Some of us are sick and some of us die. Some of us are ruined and some of us cry. Back then you were the only friend I had, I was too young to have to lose my dad. How many times can I beat my fists into the ground? I'm enveloped by pain and hate. Bleed like I bleed I want to make everyone feel my pain. I want them to hurt. In the end we're all the same, in the end we're all nothing. I'll never see you again. I try hard to envision your face, and when I close my eyes the harder I try all I see are black shapes in the darkness of my mind's eye. It's like being mentally blind. I reach out with my thoughts and feel your face but I can't see it myself. What is wrong with me? I want to go back to sleep. My existence is a waste of time. Why are we capable of suffering such pain? It puts me in a seething rage. Now I just want to kill and maim, Daddy, was I born this way?

January 13th 1959-August 13th 1997

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