I wonder where my ability to create went. Did the pharmacopoeia destroy it or was it only there because of that? Could I create before, or was the ability lost after weaning myself off the meds? I wish I could focus like I used to...I consider getting back on them...just so I can write like I used to, make art, just so I can have ambition to create. I feel like some dying creature, mewling and weak.

The warm liquid crosses my tongue, an earthy bitterness of caffeinated broth, abortifacient in all it's glory. I look at him from across the room. You never were any better than the rest. You never were special. Your high opinion of yourself, your boring mannerisms...I was sick of you before I ever met you. All you are is shallow surface data... You're filler people. Just filler. Nothing more.

Happy Birthday Jordan Aris-Rashaun Jackson 11-10-90 to 11-11-10

today my veins are wires and flesh feels stretched tight over barbed latticework
nothing's left inside from what once was a piece of me that died
I slam my bones through the floor with a vision of what was lost
can't think, can't speak, can't live, can't do anything
brain stutters and I'm seizing in pain seeking to kill the void
in the catacombs of my mind there's so many places to hide
lips crack and bleed from how many times I've whispered your name
throat's drying up and gasps gritty like sandpaper
all thoughts of you colliding, collapsing in my head
you knew, you knew, but you never told me today you'd be dead

The Lord of the Flies

[I came across a poem/song I wrote when I was 14 or 15, written with pencil on lined notebook paper, how refreshing. Those were the days. I could create back then...so the structure is crap, but who cares? I think it's awesome.]


On helicopter wings they fly to the ground
and bury themselves in the corpse
in manic ecstasy they suck up the blood
as they crawl in, over, and around

no need to rush
there's much left to spare
soon you will learn to fly
and then we will spread our kingdom of fear
you, my friend, and I

[chorus]
sing my sweet flies
swarm of militant feasting
choreograph your beautiful dance
let your children swim
beneath the skin
and gorge until they are fat
[chorus]

decimate and destroy the calm
in an abrupt awakening of screams
infiltrate every nook and cranny
of their destined to be lost dreams

cover their bodies in blanket horde
liquefy their eyes
and then you will gather in black masses
with me, the Lord of the Flies

[chorus]
sing my sweet flies
swarm of militant feasting
choreograph your beautiful dance
let your children swim
beneath the skin
and gorge until they are fat
[chorus]

soon the world will be our playground
bleak and grey she will be
she will cry tears of blood
in a flood of carnage and eternity

guardsmen of Heaven
will fire their bows
and He will engulf the world in flames
then t'will be a lifeless land of woes
yet we'll still keep playing our games


[chorus]
sing my sweet flies
swarm of militant feasting
choreograph your beautiful dance
let your children swim
beneath the skin
and gorge until they are fat
[chorus]


and the world is reborn again and again
forever in it's cycle of pain
He will always rebuild it
and we will corrupt it

in this oblivion we'll always remain

I can see the dark side of the moon from here, can you see it? It has monsters writhing on it like maggots. They're falling from the sky like the Lunar Cry...

There's nothing but sadness and misery after you've left...She says you make her heart smile, but how can she smile when you're dead? Do they forget?

I don't want the pain to stop. I want them all to suffer with me. I'm held together so loosely. I dream of you. I don't want to ever stop hurting over you. I don't ever want to go numb. I don't ever want to forget.

So these days I'm the walking dead and I wish I could be put to rest right with you...because really, none of this is worth it.

I use sarcasm to hide the pain. I try to make others smile so that one day when I'm gone I'll be loved, but in the end...

We are all forgotten.

silent vibrations
in electric veins...
washing over like a wave

it's already in my blood
I just don't know it but..
it's there for good

I'm falling in and out
drifting down and down and down...
there's no way around it

I can never escape
this hereditary fate...
I feel it comfort me

push the needle deeper
show you where the pain hurts...
I'm going back to sleep

I feel my back breaking
another life the world is taking...
I never really wanted it

I'll give you what is yours
and you can have what is mine...
split and divide

It's already played out
we all know without a doubt...
I'm going to die

Jordan

I dreamt of you today. We were at the place we worked at together and I saw your head looking around a corner at me, your hair red and messy like it would get when you were being funny and goofing around...You smiled at me and then I smiled and laughed because I was happy to see you and you were alive, I thought you were alive again, I thought it was real. Then you were standing next to me suddenly, this time your hair was black and longer like it used to be...and then I noticed the huge gash on the right side of your skull...it looked like it was healing I think, but it was in the same place it would've been. I asked why you were so short suddenly, I was confused, you weren't as tall as you used to be, but you just smiled and hugged me. You never say anything to me. You always just smile. Then I woke up in my dark room and ran out to the living room. I sat on the couch and told someone you had just visited me, and then I felt your presence in the hallway. I said you're coming back for me. I felt someone about to enter the room, I thought it was you, it wasn't. It was something 7 foot tall, wearing a long coat. It's head just a blank white mask floating on top of where the neck should've been but wasn't. Light blue eyes looked out at me from behind the featureless mask. It attacked me and I woke up from my dream within a dream. I woke up and you were still dead. I woke up and my world fell away at my feet. I woke up and felt the pain of you dying all over again because I didn't realize I was dreaming, all I know was you were in front of me again, smiling and I thought it was real. I woke up and my heart raced, hurting from adrenaline...I woke up and I wished I was dead.

untouchable

I'm all anger, it courses through me like hot lead in my veins. My mind has already fled the scene of this crime though my body's been left behind. I blow my eardrums out because it makes me feel alive. Everyone else is in control of my life.

Left to the mercy of a stranger, can you put me up for the night? If I licked my lips and spread my legs a little would that make everything alright? There is no name for a thing like me. I always arrive with a disclaimer: fantasy is better than reality.

Your Christ is your own dick, and that's pretty pathetic because what is Christ anyway but a bunch of fucking bullshit? A couple inches of what you call "glory", is that all you ever want to be? You could do so much better with yourself if you weren't lost in your vanity.

They say "as above, so below" but I'm not beneath anyone because I stand alone.

Something my little brother Jordan wrote that comes to mind after a dream I had:

"You hit me up

when your luck is tried.

when you've given up

and lost your pride

you know that I'll always be there

cause I'm the only one who cares...oh....



---------------

[chorus]x2

Confuse me....Abuse me...

You make me feel like a slut...

Confuse me....Abuse me...

You make me feel like a slut..

Confuse me....Abuse me...

is that what you really want?



-----------------

Lock up your heart and throw away the key

never knowing how special you'll always be to me

you leave me nothing but your scent in my sheets

just to show me you don't have to sow

what you reap...oh....

-----------------

[chorus]x2

-----------------

lips locked. our souls are severed.

rip me apart from the inside out.

just to put me back together.

-----------------

[chorus]x2

-----------------

IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT?!?!

IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT?!?!

IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT?!?!

IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT?!?!"

By Jordan Aris-Rashaun Jackson

Let's shed our lives and come back as different entities
If we blow our brains out will we be reborn as stars?

I want to be homeless. I want to love her. I'm not sure what life is. I want to be alone in the snow. I want to sleep in a field in Montana at night. Under stars, miles away from humans. I want more. I want less. My existence is ephemeral. I think I should write more to leave a legacy for when I'm gone. A legacy that no one will ever read. It might be any day. I don't like what I write. I wish I could think like Mei. New cds disappoint me. Throat's sore. Tumor is growing. That will be the end if nothing else. It's a genetic fail-safe. No one knows yet. It's okay. Frost is coming. Unpleasant but crisp it burns. Unyielding. Relentless. No mercy. I should read more. I don't have time though. I don't know how to do anything. I'm not good at anything either. It's okay. Some people are just here. Some people aren't meant to do anything. Maybe I'm filler. I think I should just drive. Quit my job, friends, and family. I might just do that someday. Start a mountain from dust. Pretty sure it's cancer. Everything's made in China. I can't be what he wants me to be. I can't be anything. I'm smooth slate somewhere in a dark cave where no man has ever been. I could be made into something someday if I was found, but I won't be. I'm just here. I'm just waiting. For it all to end. Hiding. Burrowed. Nestled deep within and within and within myself like a never-ending loop. I don't start. I don't stop.

Simple creatures
live simple lives
we are not those creatures

Mercury blindness, I'm dying in this
light-headed, can't breathe
spotty vision, can't see
with every exhale I can't think

It's coming pretty soon, and every day gets worse and worse as the One Year nears...

You're addicted to pursuing something you'll never get
Shit out more parasites in hopes to feed your delusions
the American Dream is a fucking shackle and you know it
stop fucking breeding, you freaks

Don't be afraid (I smile mercifully). I probably won't destroy you, though I could if I saw fit to. I see you like to fly dangerously close to the flame that licks at your wings, singing off your divine feathers. Oh but I want to. Oh how I want to. You're the one I want, it's you, oh it's you. Those big, brown eyes... I could cut you deep, because you said not to. You said you couldn't fall back into those tendencies, look at your arm, how scarred, how delightfully scarred. It's you I want, so tall, so strong, tanned back rippling muscle and sinew. The temptation is there, I like you, I really do, but the temptation to destroy is violently powerful in me. You said my skin was like alabaster,so stark, and I think that's the most beautiful thing anyone's told me ever. I can't get that out of my head.

I drink a tea that goes down so smooth
in a few months time I might be gone
stomach screams pain and bleeds again
collapsing in and in

I can't seem to breathe these days
nothing new to dissipate the haze
my mind's not doing so well anymore
and the days go on and on

colors fade, lines form
I can't stand
anything anymore
it's all the same
I'm still dying

Negative Night

Yesterday I saw the sunset for the first time since I can remember. I felt like I was in some sort of dream state, in between life and death-a thin veil of limbo. It was such an odd, hollow feeling, like I wasn't really here. Like I didn't really exist. The whole thing seemed like a hallucination. My brain must be collapsing in on itself, the chemicals leaking out in a haze about my head. Sometimes I have to force myself to believe I'm really here, I'm really alive, I'm existing, THIS is all real.

It is? Is it? Are you sure? Is there proof?

Not too long ago I was alone driving on a long empty road. It was bright, it was daytime, and all I could think was: am I just hallucinating that it's daytime and it's really night? It looks like light, but maybe it's just negative night.

Every being passing around me is a new threat, my eyes rotate and shift like the wind. I don't want to be here, existing in this alien lapse of non-specific events on a stupid, and pointless linear track of "time". Don't look at me, don't see. I hear the moaning and wailing of my inner longing as I undulate at such a repressed frequency. I know nothing but myself. Everything I see is wrong to me. Legs cramp, spine aches, bend me about, twist me into myself, implode into one minuscule pinpoint on a vast spectrum of nothingness, yet somethingness. I want to FEEL fractals of light, I want to TASTE and SMELL spirals of creation within and without. I see words in my head like some sort of gouache mural, my troubled head, my troubled soul. Right now I want to slam that troubled head right into a flat, blunt surface. The pain begins, it resonates within my skull. I don't really need to bash it into anything because it hurts all the time anyways. Suffering is an old friend, I almost feel lonely when it's not around. Is that wrong? Life has made me the most disappointed person I've ever had the displeasure of being. This is the worst dream I've ever had, and when it's not terrifying it's hellishly boring. There has yet to be any respite. Everyone I see siphons the will right out of me, and I feel my brain leak right out the oval window.

He always wore these nice boots. They used to make this loud clomp clomp sound when he walked, it would echo across the house on the porcelain tiles. One time I remember I was sleeping in my bedroom, and I heard his boots clomp-clomping again in the kitchen. I ran out of my bedroom in happiness much like a child who thinks they hear Santa put presents under the Christmas tree. So excited. But then I saw him. It wasn't him. It wasn't him. Instead it was Norm. It was Norm. It. Was. Norm. Not. My. Dead. Daddy. It was: themanmymotherwascheatingonmyfatherwithandhewasthereinthekitchenmakingthesoundsmyfathermadeliftingmeupwithhopeandthencrushingmeaway. Hope. Crushed. So once again like a child during Christmas, who runs out to see Santa and then is destroyed by the fact that there IS no Santa, there IS no coming back after death, there IS no Daddy. He wouldn't ever come back. What was I thinking? I still remember that day. I can't ever forget it if I forget everything in the world, I'll never forget that day. Does anything make that better? Does anyone wonder why I am the way I am? What happens to the mind of a child stays with them for the rest of their lives. Embedded. Inside.

I was thinking about you, I'm odd because I was wondering what you look like when you sleep, what position you sleep in, whether you hold a pillow or not. Then I started wondering about your smell. Scent memory is something that fascinates me, but the memory eludes me. If there's anything I'd like to experience again, it's your smell. I've decided that you probably smell like indian summers and ancient love.

Perfect by design

There is nothing that is absolutely perfect except for one simple thing...Death. Death has a mortality rate of 100%. Perfect by design.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in limbo, then I look around and see that life is going on all around me. Then I start to think maybe it's not I that is in limbo, maybe it is my mind that IS limbo. If ever you suffer this feeling of limbo, then maybe you're just in my mind...

Hidden amongst the trees

There's strings everywhere and we're all attached. They're in my head and they dance to music. Working into a ferver, frothing, undulating in a rapid and beautiful yet unseen manner. They dance, they dance, they dance for me. Dance, dance, dance for me. So beautiful, so ever-present yet so relatively unknown to almost everyone. We pull along in this life vibrating at high frequencies in inner harmony. Harmonize. Harmonize for me. You can do this. We all can. I cry at the beauty and all the pain inside when they sing to me. I shake violently, want them to swallow me up and take me away with them. They show me the way, show me the thin gossamer sheath surrounding us, keeping us away from truth. Once you begin to evolve you must die. This reality couldn't handle you. Penetrate the hidden. The world within and without. Secretly our minds already know it's there, but the knowledge has been buried so deep and hidden from us. Overmind. Overdrive. Oversoul. Oversky. Sometimes chemicals help the process. Mutating thoughtforms and emotion, seeds, harbingers of what's to come. It's all there. The Constant. The Critical. The God Particle is, in fact, US. Transcend. Ascension. Transmutaion. Evolve. EVOLVE. I can almost see the invisible. The Hidden. The Hiding-Within-and-Around-Us. The Flow. The flow of the particles being pulled by the strings, us being pulled, life, existence flowing all together, one astral mass, one source, it's-WE, are all ONE. Not our bodies but our being. What lurks beneath. Like Power but not quite Power, Source, Flow is all I can conceive of calling it until I learn more. Life is advent, HERE is advent, THERE is complete and utter...something... I don't know... Everything. EVERYTHING. Right now we simply subsist, maintain for now. Sometimes I hear something that makes me cry, a simple note, a simple truth. My ears are ringing all the time now. Cold steel couldn't do this. Download existence into my being? We are not a program. I want the chemicals, but I don't. I am afraid, but our minds are made up of them. Which is complimentary and which will DAMAGE? FACE, CONFRONT. I can't. ACCOST, AFFRONT. I can't...I see him singing and playing guitar right in front of me. The vision is more beautiful than the aural result. Silent emotion. Later when she sees me, the pain is evident on my face. Contorts ever so slightly. Just a bit, but it's the eyes, the EYES which contain and hold it all like vessels of pure cohesive suffering. And then the Priestess. The Priestess whose beauty holds me in rapture, physical and mental ecstasy. I can't hardly use any words to explain her. Artificial eyes betray her mind. What's beneath is just as beautiful to me, either way it's HER. HER. Priestess on a pedestal, she is made of things she does not know. Her delicious half-smile, the one she knows how to use, she must, she MUST know what that does to someone. I fall in love. I fall. IN. Into her essence I am drowning and it's the most perfect and excruciating envelopement. God, those things kill me, those pools of shining light I call her eyes. That crooked smile...If there was ever anything in all of existence that could bring a being to their knees it is her. And if she was here with me now, forsook all to be with me now, I am not entirely so sure I wouldn't give away my life for her. Give it all away. Give. it. all...away. She kills what's left of me because I know she will never see nor love me the way I do her, and in that knowledge is the fact that within her also is the Devourer. One and the same, rather like Lakshmi and Kali, one and the same yet two completely different forms. Both so perfect, so beautiful, so dangerous to me the way either can draw me in like a breath or exhale me out from their grace. It is never to be. It is always like this. But this. This. This is the epitome of all past and future combining in synergy. She is the purest one, dripping with the tempting god's ichor, the purest one yet within her lies a sapling of darkness which makes her beauty all the more sorrowful and blissful. Sorrow I can appreciate. The taste of it is the only truth I know. She kills me. She kills me in an exquisite manner, she need not even try. She kills me in a way close to the frequency in which HE killed me, except my love for him was untainted by feelings of primordial lust or gratification, my love for him burned true and brilliant bright-hot white. If the two were to combine they would be symbiote to eachother, giving, feeding, but creating in a single nod or blink, this combination would have been salvation. But there is Death. So much death and killing going on, what's left? VOID. So much Void.

with his hypodermic needles for eyes he injects black tar suicide, unsterilized

i knew before i loved him that he had this disease, he told me that he would get better for me

in what seems the blink of my eye im at wits end swallowed up in his lie

i just wanted to believe
it appears that ive been deceived